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I Long for the Days of the Sun
Sunday, March 9, 2014 @ 3:44 AM | 0 Comment [s]
"There are two ways to get enough: one is to accumulate more and the other is to desire less."
What is happiness? What is love? What is it that we want? What is contentment? What is freedom? Are we pushed to do this or what? I walk among the people with the hopes of becoming someone memorable. I walk among them because I don't know where to go, lost in the sea of people who are one of the same. Same drive, same motivations but different desires -- freedom and passion. Shall I cross the paths that they have crossed or find another way to go? Is the dark and narrower road more worthy of risking everything than a desirable one showered with flowers and brightened up by the rays of the sun? Is dropping everything for the sake of my own happiness worth it at all? Does not thinking of other people really doesn't matter? Or is it just me that I shall think about? Am I happy? Am I contended? Is this what I want or something more? Is chasing my dreams worth it just to become someone I always hoped to be? Or have I given up with the thoughts of never achieving anything? I long for the days of the sun, for the tress swaying and for the wind cool enough to give me a sigh of relief that everything went well -- that I am happy. But as of now, I must endure this road -- one that I must take to help me realize what I want and what I hope to be. TTFN. Labels: challenges, happiness, life, work Troubled Waters
Saturday, July 13, 2013 @ 10:16 AM | 0 Comment [s]
"She was drowning but nobody saw her struggle."
There once was a girl who wants to see the world but her shackles are holding her back, preventing her to do so. There once was a girl who felt to alone, hoping to meet new friends but her cage is holding her back, preventing her from doing so. There once was a girl trapped in a cage, with shackles on both her wrists and feet and she was drowning in the sea.
She was gasping for air, crying out for help but no one heard her, and so no one came. She tried to open the cage door, trying to kick it with all her might, but her shackles are too heavy, making her weary and tired. She tried shouting again, and then someone came but all that person did was watch her drown in pain. She cried, struggled and was out of breath but she kept on shouting, hoping to be saved.
She inhaled her last lungful of air and she went down in the water along with her shackles and her cage. She looked at the surface and saw the light hitting the water. Bubbles of air are coming out from her mouth, her lungs felt heavy as she struggled not to sleep. She still tried to get away with just a little bit of hope flickering in her eyes.
And then that was it: she was gone. She left her miserable life behind and all I can do now is hope for her to be happy up in the clouds where she belongs.
Labels: challenges, drowning, imprisoned, life, misery A Lapse in Judgment
Friday, March 29, 2013 @ 1:13 PM | 0 Comment [s]
"You know my name, not my story. You've heard what I've done, but not what I've been through."
-Jonathan Anthony Burkett
Lies spread like wildfire by people I barely even know. Such a shame to live in this world full of endless judgment of tomorrow. A terrible waste of time, lives wasted and moments gone. What you see is what you get because I'm not the desperate, promiscuous girl that's been living inside your head. Scrutinize me for what I am and not by what you think I've become. You don't get to screw me over especially if you haven't been in my shoes.
Your poor lack of judgment made me question my actions. It shook me up, rattled me down. Gone are the days where I can act freely without the fear of being sorted out. You made me think of myself otherwise because I can't find the confident girl that has been with me for all of my life.
So here I am, still thinking twice whether to give you a chance to let you into my life. You think of me in a way I don't even think of you. I feel sorry for the bad thoughts about me running inside your head, thinking they're true. I hope you can let them go as I'm trying to forget the rumors that you've flown.
TTFN.
Labels: hearsay, judge, life, people, rumors Bottled Up
Wednesday, February 13, 2013 @ 8:20 PM | 0 Comment [s]
"If you hold back your feelings because you're afraid of getting hurt,
you end up hurting anyway."
There are days that I just want to break free. Run. Get away from the stupidity, drama and insanity of it all. There are times where I just want to burst in flames, break glass or even scream. There are moments where I want to break someone's face, cause injury or even punch the wall. There are some instances where I just.. I want to.. I've got to but I can't and I couldn't.
I'm a volcano waiting to explode. I'm a ticking time bomb. Slowly and painfully I am loosing my patience. I'm so tired of accepting people's shit. So tired of saying "yes" all the time and most of all, I am so tired of getting kicked at, stepped on and being taken for granted of.
All I want to do is cry and curl in my bed until I fall asleep but my eyes got tired of crying and my tears went dry from falling. I am a hollow shell. I feel empty and belittled. My heart aches from all the pain it witnessed and felt. My brain is tired from telling myself to be strong and to not break down but that's all I want to do but I can't because breaking down is useless. Crying is useless. Feeling sorry for myself is useless.
The only thing I could do now is take a deep breath, close my eyes and stand strong until I can't stand anymore.
TTFN.
Labels: anger, heartaches, life, pain, present, problems, resentment Rewind
Saturday, October 6, 2012 @ 2:59 PM | 0 Comment [s]
"In another life, I would make you stay
so I don't have to say you were the one that got away."
-Katy Perry
When did it all stopped?
It all stopped when your life changed my mine didn't.
It all stopped when you went to college and I was stuck in high school.
It all stopped when you made a lot of new friends and I made little.
It all stopped when you made promises and I was left waiting for you to make them happen.
It all stopped when feelings of love were questioned, when companionship were replaced by longing, when the thoughts of "us" no longer lingered, when you moved on and I still waited, when you came back and I turned you down because when you left, I was left with nothing.
Feelings did not change. I still feel the same way I felt eight years ago. I still want to hold your hand, bury my face at the curve of your neck, smell that sweet taste of yours; but all of those were a distant memory. Eight years have passed and all I was left with are letters and a photograph of you. I still read them, trying to bring back beautiful memories but all of it still hurts. Remembering hurts, forgetting hurts, forgetting you hurts and moving on hurts the most.
I have moved on. I took four steps forward but a single message, a flash of your smile, the sound of your voice made me took eight steps back. I'm farther now. Far from forgetting and far from ignoring these feelings of longing.
I'm still here hoping, waiting for you to come back because you once told me you would and I'm still clinging on to that single promise. I poured my heart out to you, took me all the courage to tell you all of my feelings and letting it all hang out there, very visible for you to see. You were my first love. Probably my true love. I'm still here waiting for you to give me another chance and show you a shot of what it feels like to be "us" again. In the mean time, I'll live my life as I watch you live yours. I'll slowly move on but that doesn't mean when you call me, I won't be there to answer it.
TTFN.
Labels: high school, life, longing, love, regrets Down the Rabbit Hole
Tuesday, August 14, 2012 @ 10:18 PM | 0 Comment [s]
"Not all those who wander are lost."
-J.R.R Tolkien
I look upon the horizon, watch as the sun fades from the sky and witness a few stars glitter as the clouds continues to move. A beautiful picture I can never forget. The tides are slowly changing and so are the people I came to know and love. Big changes are happening --- even life altering. I can see their smiles, hear their hearts races or even watch the color of their cheeks change from pale to rosy pink. Definitely a big change. I feel jealous and then I can feel my skin starting to crawl down from my spine all the way up to my neck. Happiness surrounds them and certainty. As for me, still indecisive, still stagnant, still stuck. I've always dreamed of a beautiful bliss -- something Hungry for change but at the same time scared of it. Nothing is permanent but change. Nothing is more beautiful yet scary but change. We've all wanted it, craved for it and sometimes, made it happen coz it never did. I tried to take a step forward but all I ever did was take a step back -- farther and farther from something so beautiful yet could be ugly at the same time. I'm pulling myself down. Down from the beautiful shoreline to the deep, dark abyss that is the unknown. Away from everyone I know and the world I grew up in. Away from the beautiful blue sky, the cool breeze and the warmth of the sun. I wait in the corner for someone to take me to a new dimension. TTFN. Labels: changes, confusion, life A Temporary Goodbye
Tuesday, July 31, 2012 @ 11:58 PM | 0 Comment [s]
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone
can start today and make a new ending."
-Maria Robinson
"I'll see you later" is what she meant. Tears fell from her eyes as she held her dearest in her arms. She held her tight, wanting not to let go. She held her tight with the fear of not being able to see her again. I looked at her as my heart's starting to clench. I turned around as the scene was slowly hurting me. How could she do this? How could she leave her dearest be? I see a hint of regret but I think this is for the best. She was acting out of the ordinary as days unfold. I tried to decipher her but in my dismay, her code is hard to break. I watch her be as she lives her life with so much darkness, waiting for a single mistake a person can make. I shook my head as I watch her slip from the edges with a fear of not knowing who or what could save her from this mess. Many people were hurt by her actions as she tries to act as the puppet master, controlling everyone she knows with her lies and sweet nothings. She got what she want out of fear, she was able to manipulate the situation any way she wants them to be. I was in awe as I watch her work, amazed on how she was able to pulled their stings. She was given anything she wants even the things she need not asking. People around her were on their toes hoping that all hell won't break loose. Many tears were shed and hearts were shattered, relationships are broken and is far from being mend as she tries to satisfy her hunger of seeing people in torture. Now her tyrant days are over as people inhaled a breath of fresh air -- something no one was able to for so long. She was asking for banishment and banishment was given. The consequences of her actions were laid out before her. With so much at stake, including not having a house to live and not being able to see her dearest, banishment is what she chose; though it was pretty obvious she was hoping the people she oppressed would come to her aid. She bowed down in embarrassment as she looked around and no one, not even a single soul would want her to stay. Thanks to her I was able to realize what I should and should not do with my life. I was enlightened as she handed me this knowledge. Though I said it was for the best that she left; I too am was hurt but then I remember the pain she has caused me and now it makes me think twice if I really do pity her or not. TTFN. Labels: changes, family, goodbyes, life, problems Thorn in My Side
Saturday, July 7, 2012 @ 2:05 PM | 0 Comment [s]
"I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders."
-Jewish Proverbs
She makes my heart so heavy, she constantly causes me distress, she knows not of what I'm feeling, she wants to rip my heart out from my chest. Needless to say, she wants me dead -- later and not sooner, that's what she said. She carries so much hate, she made me sustain her cross. Sometimes I question her integrity -- whether she has one or knows what it is. But as of now, I asked nothing of this and the weight of her cross is slowly starting to get to me.
I am not made of metal nor is my heart made of stone. I pity others especially those who have nothing at all. I've been pushed away and though it is not mine to bear, I've made myself strong enough to withstand every obstacles thrown at me. Apparently, my shoulders are tired and so is my heart; I know she's not grateful because even the blind can see how much she has afflicted me and this family.
I've been shouting at her, pointing at her mistakes but apart from having no eyes, it also seems that she has no ears. She lives in her own world where all she sees are people pulling her down; but like I said, she has no eyes and has been blinded by her misfortunes that she cannot see nor comprehend that the only person hindering her from living the life that she yearns is herself.
The lies that she made, the lies that she said, the lies that I believed are the same lies that destroyed her fate. She blames me and everyone else who doubts her; she thinks she's miserable but no one is to blame but herself since she constantly flushes her life down the drain. No one wants a liar especially someone who lies just to seek for attention.
In her own little bubble, she believes she's perfect -- too perfect that almost everyone exiles her. Until now she has not realized that she's weaving a very tangled web. She pushes people away and does not even realizes it. She hurts them without a hint of regret. She acts like nothing has happened. In my eyes she's slowly falling down the abyss.
TTFN. Labels: burdens, cross, family, life, siblings, sorrow Terrified
Friday, August 26, 2011 @ 10:14 PM | 0 Comment [s]
 "you set it again, my heart's in motion, every word feels like a shooting star. ...i am in love, i am terrified." -Katharine McPhee my prince, where have you been? my prince, i've been waiting for you and it feels like a sin. my prince, now that you're here, will you stay for good or leave whenever you feel like you should? my prince, fill my heart with love as i fill yours from the heavens above. my prince, i'm starting to like you every single day. my prince, please don't abandon me, if you may. my prince, you're real and in front of me. my prince, you're everything i ask for and a little bit more. my prince, my knight, you cleared the darkness with your light. my prince, with your presence, i am intoxicated. my prince, your smell, so addictive. my prince, i'm here and i'm ready for any troubles we will be facing, my dear. my prince, i love you and i hope you love me, too. my prince, you've completed my world with your little signs of sincerity and tiny surprises. my prince, i am floating; thank you for making me feel this way. my prince, you are endearing and you placed colors in my skies of grey. my prince, i am here and yours to keep. my prince, i'm glad you took the leap. my prince, i'm glad you like me just the way i am. my prince, i'm starting to get attached to you; well i'll be damned. TTFN Labels: crush, infatuation, life, love I'm Already Dead and I'll Rise to Fall Again
Wednesday, July 27, 2011 @ 10:42 PM | 0 Comment [s]
 "i'm all out of breath, my walls are closing in..." -Breaking Benjamin i sat down the floor, grabbing my knees. the room i'm in was starting to get smaller. the air was getting thiner by the second. i cannot breathe. my lungs were about to collapse, i was thirsty for air. "what is this?" i said to myself. i cannot fathom the situation that i got myself into. trapped with nowhere to go. "wake up, wake up, please wake up" i said to myself repeatedly but i didn't wake up. i cannot wake up. the noise was getting louder and my mind kept telling me to bang every wall but my body didn't respond. i just sat there, with hands covering my ears to lessen the eerie sound the walls created as they were about to spat me. then silence came. i opened my eyes and i realized i wasn't in the room anymore. the walls no longer moved and i gave out a huge sigh of relief knowing i wasn't going to die soon. i saw a light by the distance. as i started walking to follow the light, the light moved farther and farther. it was shining like a diamond and i can't take my eyes off of it. it was drawing me in; like an addiction. it was hard to deny that i was attracted to this beautiful shimmering light but sadness overflowed through me when i realized i could never reach it. tired of walking, i sat down, contemplated on my surroundings and came to notice that there's nothing around. i was in a place where everything is covered with white paint. no furniture, no trees, no sky. nothing. i looked at the light and saw that it was just standing there, glowing, waiting for me to chase it. i kept walking and walking and finally i saw a door. i opened it and peeked inside. i saw someone looking out the window. not wanting to disturb the person, i decided to close the door. "wait" he said. i opened the door again, curious of what this person wants to tell me. "pursue it" he told me. confused, i asked in reply, "what exactly?" then he no longer said another word and then he closed the door. the light never left. it was still there, shimmering like a gem. and i, still addicted to its glow, wants it so badly. i kept thinking of what the man has said to me. "pursue it" he said. but still clueless, i was having a hard time figuring out what he told me. its like a riddle only with lesser words. i heard a singing voice. it was so beautiful that it was hard not to cry. it was the voice of a girl. and i can tell just by listening to it that she's in deep sorrow. wanting to know who she was, the light started to glow brighter and brighter. i was so smitten by the light that i forgot about the singing girl. i kept on walking until finally, the light stopped moving. i ran towards it, wanting to devour every piece of it. as i was coming close, i sense a lot of emptiness in my heart. it was so hollow i had to get a hold of it. i clutched my heart, as if i was in deep pain. i curled down, breathing hard and closing my eyes. the light was sucking every piece of me. breathing was hard again and i was gasping for air. i heard a faint sound. like a scream. "was it the singing girl screaming?" i thought to myself. i wanted to comfort her, tell her i'm here, regardless of the fact that we're both strangers to each other. but still, it was selfish of me to disdain her. i could never forgive myself. "what could've happened to her? was she in the same state as i am?" that i will never know. after a few hours or so, i saw no more light. i wasn't in the white place anymore. i looked up and saw a guy carrying me. we were walking. he saw me then he flashed me a smile. i can hear his heart beating. it sounded beautiful -- like a beating drum. his arms were hard like a rock and his body temperature was so warm that i can feel his heat on my face. on what it seems like a beautiful sight, it wasn't. storm came in and we hid on an abandoned warehouse. he tucked me in his arms. without even knowing the man, not even his name, i can sense his aura -- so beautiful and heartwarming. he was someone i could trust. i woke up alone. i kept looking for the man but he was out of sight. saddened by his disappearance, i stayed there for a couple more days, thinking on what has happened. bizarre as the situations were, i could feel that there was a purpose of my journey. "pursue it" the man said to me. i kept saying it in my mind until i realized that in order for me to make it to the destination, i need to take risks, be brave and just pursue everything that feels right. i know that this is the answer to his riddle. i have yet to reach my destination and challenges are ahead of me, testing me, waiting for me to fail. TTFN.
The Abyss
Sunday, July 3, 2011 @ 8:11 PM | 0 Comment [s]
 "if it's worth the risk, take the fall. if it's what you want, it is worth it all." there once was a girl who was so certain of herself. she packed her things and left everyone behind in pursuit of her dreams. she walked a long narrow road with nothing but hope to bring. there she stood on a crossroad who she thought she was familiar of. but as darkness fell and with no light to spare, she was clueless yet again. she head on west hoping she took the right road to travel. still clueless of what's beyond, she clutched her heart and continued to walk on. then she reached a tree who bore golden apples. thinking that this was her easy way out, she climbed the tree and took many apples she could carry. when rain fell hard and the clear blue sky turned dark and unholy, she ran for her life with nothing but apples to carry. she hid on a cave and decided to pass the time until nature is on her side and bring out the brightest sun. as she woke up the next morning, she saw her apples melting. without it attached to its branches, it is as useless as a person with no dreams. she stood up and came out of the cave only to find out she's on a meadow as beautiful as the sunlight hits her face. she continued her journey with desire and passion burning in her chest. as she passed by towns and met people from different places, she realized the world is full of treasures waiting to be discovered. she ran, feeling the gush of the wind on her face, wanting to be as free as a bird flying in the clear blue cloudless sky. she screamed so hard, releasing her inhibitions -- she couldn't be more happy. months went by and still clinging on her dreams, she reached a cliff. looking down, she swear she could see hell and can hear demons chanting her name. she left everyone behind without even considering their emotions, she realized she was being self-centered. rain falling hard from the sky, she turned her back and decided to walk home thinking of pursuing her dream from another time without having to hurt anyone in her journey. TTFN. Labels: confusion, crossroads, dreams, life The Search is Over
Friday, June 17, 2011 @ 8:30 PM | 0 Comment [s]
 "sometimes in life, we just have to accept the way things are when you can't change them. it's hard but you'll either learn to let go or get used to it altogether. at the end of the day, it's all the same heartache, but it's how you deal with it that makes the difference." I remember back then, after reading all of those fairy tales where a handsome prince would swept the princess off her feet, that I've always secretly wanted to have my own tiara, live in an enchanted castle, have godmothers grant my wishes and have this chivalrous prince who would defy the laws of gravity, slay a dragon and wake me up from my very deep slumber through his kiss. it has always been like that ever since. having to experience heartache, abandonment, confusion and despair, slowly i realized that princes aren't real (at least not the casual ones) and having my feet swept off by a handsome prince was way beyond my imagination. surely, it doesn't hurt to dream but in this sad excuse of a love life, i think it's time to snap back into reality. we know how beautiful love is from romantic chic lit books to sappy movies. it's as if their life is full of it -- full of love, kindness and thoughtfulness. but the reality is, we don't usually get the handsome chivalrous fellow that is described in the books. if you're a Twilight fan, you don't get Edward Cullen nor Jacob Black for that matter. and no, you don't get to have Harry Potter who is always there to save the day. as a matter of fact, we get to have the Darth Vader-ish guy. he may not be soul-less but he's not a gentleman, either. he's there but not really -- he's just lustful and wants to take control of every situation. he's the alpha male and alpha males do what they do best: command and lead. because we're too hung up on having the perfect novel love story, we don't. boys will forever be boys and girls will forever create dramas and make big deals of every little things. we don't get to have the perfect love story, the good guy, the enchanted castle and magical creatures. no, but instead we get to have tall buildings, cell phones and emails, a short walk in the park or in the romantic side note of it all, a candle lit dinner. that is all and if you're lucky enough, someone is right out there for you who would slay a dragon or a basilisk and propose on jumbotrons, then grab him and never ever let him go. i know this isn't like my previous posts where it rhymes or is sort off poetic in some ways. forgive me for my lack of creativity but i think a topic like this especially a topic where i strongly believe in shouldn't need fancy words or rhymes. it needs to be straight up and down right smack in the face.
SAVE ME FROM THE NOTHING I'VE BECOME
Sunday, May 15, 2011 @ 10:42 PM | 0 Comment [s]
 "music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul." i wanna write songs and express my feelings but all i have are words with no melodies. i've been silenced far too long, trapped in a corner with nowhere to go. confused on who to trust and follow, doubts started to linger, finding hope to be enlightened in this world full of strangers. music is my only escape -- to at least imagine that i am free. in that short of a second that i am away, i can see the earth as i may. imagination running wild, music volume put on high. i am in my isolation cell with thoughts running deep as a well. i hope to inspire people my age especially those who find themselves trapped in a cage. not just words in writing but i simply wanna add melodies to the things i am thinking. being hindered is what i find frustrating -- in a box, in the corner, in a cell with nowhere to go, i feel trapped in the rabbit hole. these melodies i can't seem to create keeps pushing me into finding something else great. i feel drowned by silence -- imprisoned in a pool that comes with a fence. i lost my edge coz never did i know how to quit; but this challenge slapped me in the face with no hope of finding a way out of this maze. TTFN. Labels: challenges, frustrations, life, maze, obstacles Story of My Life
Tuesday, April 5, 2011 @ 12:33 AM | 0 Comment [s]
 "the girl who seemed unbreakable -- broke. the girl who seemed so strong -- crumbled. the girl who always laughed it off -- cried. and the girl who never stop trying, finally gave up." hurtful words, stabbing knives, broken bones and fractured hopes. no more shall i settle from the mockery you showed. you're supposed to care, to help me carry on but you're doing the opposite and i am finding it hard to move on. acid words, never-ending doubts -- i wish to be free from this place where you imprisoned me to be. i could never understand why you're always pulling me down. with the attitude you showed, i wish not to be around you anymore. i cry at night and never will you know how those insults you gave hurts me to the core. you're far too insensitive to what people might feel. somehow i wish you could see how broken i came to be. regardless of my struggles i tried to stand strong -- try to let people show how invincible i want to become. but really, deep down inside, i am crumbling into pieces with no way of knowing how to escape this madness. never goes a day where i don't feel worthless. i am tired of telling myself that i am someone worth believing. not a minute goes by where i don't contemplate on what you have said and yes, they are just words but i'd rather be physically bruised. no more pain and feelings of helplessness coz i wish for the day to look at the mirror and be happy and contented of what i am seeing. somehow, you always get the worst in me. must so you know that i am not your puppet and this is not a stage. never did i experience freedom never did i experience care. your clutches are too tight that it feels like i'm in jail. too much judgment, too much hate, too much of everything that i could never take. i cover my ears as you abuse me verbally, i grip my chest -- shielding my heart from the pain it will feel. just let me go and understand that i don't want to be a part of your so-called promise land. i want to disappear away from everybody. away from confrontations, lies and pretends. i want to start anew, create a life where i can grow and be the person i once loved and knew. i wipe my tears but they still keep on falling, no longer will i feel useless coz from this moment on, i shall make my skin as thick as a stone. TTFN. Labels: chill., disappointments, hurt, life, people, sadness IT WAS ENCHANTING TO MEET YOU
Thursday, March 17, 2011 @ 11:20 PM | 0 Comment [s]
 "I kissed a lot of frogs as well, but no, I kissed a lot of frogs and now I've found my prince." -Joan Collins riding on his white stallion, my heart skipped a beat. i could not resist the emotions i felt. he looked so handsome, so untouchable, so true. a man with sheer talents, a man every girl wants to own. more than ordinary, he's not like any human being, for i see him someone holy -- someone sent to me so i could feel love and be lost in a daze. he was kind and took no shame in showing chivalry. more and more i fell into deep with this man standing before me, showing me nothing but pure sincerity. girls swooned as he passed -- it is not hard to notice since he shines from the pack. with his hair pushed back and the cool scent he's wearing, i could not resist but be pulled by his presence. this man, right here, i could not even believe existed has shown me a great deal of kindness for it is in his nature to be kind and show no disrespect to anyone. i want him more than ever coz he made me feel great not like the guys i met before. he sure is unique and a rare stone to find; but when found, it is worth the while. i could not help but gush every time he mentions my name, for it is then i knew he was thinking of me, too. i would do anything for him, anything i could offer, for i want to be in his life and not just for the time being but for as long as forever is true. he stared at me with those beautiful chocolate eyes. there's nothing i could do but melt and feel the tingling sensation that was coming down my spine. those eyes which screamed honesty looked deep into me and through my soul. he held my hand and whispered words in my ear and then my eyes grew big from the words he uttered. i was struck and caught off guard, but then i realized there's more to life than wanting to be his wife. as i watched him climbed up his stallion, i could hear my heart shattering into pieces; but then again, without him having entered my life, love and i would have never met. TTFN. Labels: dreams, life, love, prince, reality Break Glass
Saturday, February 26, 2011 @ 3:09 PM | 0 Comment [s]
 "anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one." -Benjamin Franklin i am mad but i can't show it. i am frustrated but i am trying to hide it. i am sad but i am showing a happy face. with this, my emotions are distorted. somehow, i want to break down and just cry myself to sleep. or better yet, i want to scream on top of my lungs until i am out of breath. walls come crashing down as i feel all these mixed emotions inside. i want to go out of hiding and just bitch to all the people who has caused me pain. i might not deserve happiness but i don't deserve much pain either. i want to feel contend with what life has given me but i always fall short, always out of luck, always hurting. with that in mind, i want to be free. free from all the misery and all the unsaid emotions i push down inside of me. i want to end this repression and i want to feel how great it is to have an outspoken mind. without grudges, without hurt and without being trapped inside one's own anger. TTFN. Labels: anger, emotions, frustrations, life Beautifully Tragic
Saturday, January 15, 2011 @ 8:20 PM | 0 Comment [s]
 "dealing with backstabbers, one thing I learned, they're only powerful when you got your back turned." -Eminem people staring at me, whispering words i can't hear. then, someone i used to know approached me and hit me hard. it was painful, something i can't bear. the pain caused me to bend down my knees. i was bleeding -- not just from the outside but on the inside, too. i never thought it would hurt this way. one single knife turned out to be ten thousand knives pierced inside of me. there was heavy bleeding. i watched the blood flow out of my system and down on the floor. i wanted to touch it but it was too late. badly bruised, i continue living my life. i build up walls and i shut down doors to keep people from my past away from me. i wanted a new beginning, a new slate and as much as i try to do this, the memories of my past haunts me. it was easy to imagine myself forgetting it but i was struggling halfway through it. no one ever helped me or asked me if i was in need of assistance. i was unaccompanied throughout the journey and it was that moment i knew who and what to trust, to depend on and share my life with. it was that moment i realized that i was strong enough to walk away from something so dark and cruel. i was alone, heck i was. and in those days where everybody left me in abandonment, i saw the world and found out different strategies on how to survive the trails i was about to face. nothing but hope, strength and dignity, i went out from my isolation cell and welcomed the world with a smile. i was afraid because nobody really likes to be betrayed especially from those people whom you spend most of your teenage life with. it was hard but i kept going on. with nothing to lose and whole lot to fear, i came in strong and willful. people didn't know i was shattered. i never did have any reason on picking up the pieces of my broken self. i managed to make a new one, a re-invention. i locked away every bad memory that hurts me and open a new trove to place in memories i want to keep. somehow, i was happy. i may not have enough people to support me but what's important is that i met people and those people i met while i was re-programming myself made me realize that it is better to let go of my sad past and stay in the present. i lost people in my way of finding myself but at least, i didn't lose me. TTFN. Labels: abandonment, alone, life, life lessons, realizations Hotel California
Monday, December 27, 2010 @ 9:49 PM | 0 Comment [s]
 "The body apologizes to the soul for its errors, and the soul ask forgiveness for squatting in the body without invitation." -Gregory Maguire, Wicked a part of me died inside. a part of me that kept me whole and alive. it was that part of me where everything in life is worth living and it was that part of me where i knew how to feel deeply -- to sympathize and love, to comfort and to see the world in a humantistic perspective. now that it is gone, everything else went dark. i see people dying all the time and the world seems to be a very cruel place to live. everyone is killing one another, people cursing and stabbing knives at each others' backs. it was a painful sight to see and yet very inevitable to change. i used to be more than invisible but now i am transparent. people see and pass through me and because of this, frustration over powers me. i could not do anything to stop this madness. i was nothing more but a ghostly figure lurking in the shadows of this barbaric world. for a moment, i thought it was a dream, an excuse i want myself to believe so that i can escape the madness that has been happening but i know for once that it is not true but still a part of me wants to believe it is. on a crossroad where i found myself standing, an image of another human emerged from a distance. could she see me? hear me? or maybe help me? as she was close enough, she stared at me from head to toe and then she looked at me with pure sincerity, as if she was asking for forgiveness. i was confused but then she took my hand and we started walking. i never knew where she was taking me. still holding my hand, i was silent throughout the entire journey. and then it hit me -- she's trying to help me put out my misery. she was reaping me and from that moment on, i knew what was happening and what is going to happen. from that moment on, i knew where we're headed -- in a place where she considers a paradise and in a place where i consider a nightmare. TTFN.
Light Up the Candle
Saturday, November 20, 2010 @ 11:06 PM | 1 Comment [s]
 "to be thirsty and to drink water is sensuality rarely achieved. sometimes you drink water; other times you are thirsty." -Jose Bergamin he caressed my legs up to my neck. his soft fingers running to my body, slowly touching me, making me feel so exhilarated. i was blown away on how good he was on knowing the most sensitive parts of my body. i was on fire and my body was about to burn. i ran my fingers down his spine and out of excitement, i scratched his back with my long finger nails leaving bruises for him to tend to. he was sweating and so was i. it was the moment we've been waiting. our perfect night. the night we imagined for so long. he held me close, so tight that it was hard to breathe. his hands were on my head slowly touching my hair. savoring every moment of it, i closed my eyes, hoping this night wasn't going to end. he kissed my cheeks down to my shoulders. the feeling was so great that he literally left be breatheless. i was grasping for air, trying to remember how to breathe right. as i opened my eyes, i saw his beautiful eyes gazing at me as if he was looking at my soul, reading my thoughts and deciphering my expressions. he stood before me, holding the back of my head and thrusting it to his chest, making me listen to the beat of his heart. it was fast. and right then and there, i knew he was nervous all along. he kept on touching me, making me feel that tingling sensation. i could not ask for more. he has given me enough to actually take in for one day. he was here with me, holding me close and never letting me go. his body so close to mine, his heart beating fast and his eyes were on me, never letting me out of his sight. i smiled at him and he smiled back and no one could ever take that away from me. for the first time in a very long time, i felt secured. with him right by my side, we could surpass every storm that was coming our way. he was shield and i was his. we were together and with that, nothing could ever tear us apart. i was happy. we were happy. and then as i opened my eyes, i saw the light from the sun. i searched the room and he wasn't there. then i realized it was too good to be true. my fantasy made it feel like it was my reality and my nightmare became something i could never escape. as i take in the pain of something that could be almost real, i took a deep breath, and finally let it go. TTFN. Labels: life, love, pain, relationships Emotions in Writing
Wednesday, November 3, 2010 @ 1:18 PM | 0 Comment [s]
 "the role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say" -Anaïs Nin the most beautiful words in life are not created because it has to be done. no, the most beautiful words in life exist for the reason that people say what they feel and not just because they want to. it's because they have to. this is not going to be just like my previous entries. this is all me -- minus the creativity. never did i imagine keeping a blog this long. as i read my old posts, i can see how much i have fully grown and how much wisdom i was able to attain. i was a girl whose emotions have been played with. love was not my friend and up until now, love and i are still trying to patch things up. i guess i have to thank love for the pain he gave me. if i didn't experience those things, i guess i would still be a sad little weakling crying in the corner of the room, grapsing my thorned heart and trying to breathe right. as i look at my past, i can say i already gained enough knowledge in this game they called life. i was able to survive it's challenges and now i am halfway through my journey in completing the goal i have set for myself. the words i wrote here in my blog are all real. they may sound vague sometimes but never did i lie to myself so that i can just post something. everything here is all me. i don't have to think on what to say. every posts here came from my mind the moment i am inspired or just want to share something i think no one could ever understand. i am an odd person. i don't like sharing my inner most feelings to my friends but i rather want to put them here in writing and in public. i could never understand why, though but this is my comfort zone and my blog holds everything i feel inside. TTFN. Labels: blog, learnings, life, life lessons, wisdom |
Le Narcissist A movie buff, TV series addict, my iPOD is an extension to my tiny Psychology graduate hailed from the queen city of the south. Marked by Suzaku. Literally. TUMBLR'ing, TWITTER'ing, Le Deviant, Le Tumblr'ing Quotes
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