"hearing something that kills you from the inside

and having to act like you're fine

is one of the bravest things in the world."

x

why did you left me here so blue?

why did you make me feel like i need you?

you left me here, scarred and bleeding on the floor

as i saw you open the bedroom door.

you were supposed to be "the one," my other half

for you always managed to make me laugh.

oh, how i treasure those memories i have with you

since the day you started giving me clues.

my heart blossomed since the day you began to notice me

as i sleep each night full of glee.

but my world started falling apart 

when you finally admitted what's inside your yearning heart.

i could've been the one to help you pick up the pieces that she broke

for i don't want to see you hang yourself on a rope.

i am here, so give me a chance

for i never lost hope from the day you gave me that glance...

"sometimes you've got to run away to see who will run after you.

sometimes you've got to step up to fight only to see 
who's standing by your side.

sometimes you've got to make a wrong decision 
only to see who's there to help you fix it.

sometimes you've got to let go of the one you love just to see 
if they love you enough to come back."

not always the first but always the last. not always the lead but the understudy. always the spare, always the replacement, always the second choice. i could never get mad at him -- at least not that long. the way he flashes me his smile; it melts my heart. the way he holds me sends little electric shocks down my spine. his touch lingers on my skin. his scent, i could never erase. i could listen to his voice and not get tired of it. i long for his company. i long to listen to his soft laugh that i could never get enough.

with him, i'm nothing but a spare tire. i'm sitting at the back seat just waiting for him to notice me and this usually happens when he has no one to lean on to. i want to be part of his life, to be someone worthy enough for his precious time. i don't want the back seat. not anymore. somehow, i don't want to push myself just so i can be part of his life. i want him to let me be part of it and not cave my way in.

i'm standing here and he doesn't take notice. i see him but he doesn't see me. 

other than that, i want nothing more but his attention. this unrequited love i can handle but not me being small enough not to be seen by his naked eyes. a single hello, a simple text reply or even a small touch and everything will be fine.

TTFN.

"dealing with backstabbers, one thing I learned,

-Eminem

people staring at me, whispering words i can't hear. then, someone i used to know approached me and hit me hard. it was painful, something i can't bear. the pain caused me to bend down my knees. i was bleeding -- not just from the outside but on the inside, too. i never thought it would hurt this way. one single knife turned out to be ten thousand knives pierced inside of me. there was heavy bleeding. i watched the blood flow out of my system and down on the floor. i wanted to touch it but it was too late.

badly bruised, i continue living my life. i build up walls and i shut down doors to keep people from my past away from me. i wanted a new beginning, a new slate and as much as i try to do this, the memories of my past haunts me. it was easy to imagine myself forgetting it but i was struggling halfway through it.

no one ever helped me or asked me if i was in need of assistance. i was unaccompanied throughout the journey and it was that moment i knew who and what to trust, to depend on and share my life with. it was that moment i realized that i was strong enough to walk away from something so dark and cruel.

i was alone, heck i was. and in those days where everybody left me in abandonment, i saw the world and found out different strategies on how to survive the trails i was about to face. nothing but hope, strength and dignity, i went out from my isolation cell and welcomed the world with a smile. i was afraid because nobody really likes to be betrayed especially from those people whom you spend most of your teenage life with. it was hard but i kept going on.

with nothing to lose and whole lot to fear, i came in strong and willful. people didn't know i was shattered. i never did have any reason on picking up the pieces of my broken self. i managed to make a new one, a re-invention. i locked away every bad memory that hurts me and open a new trove to place in memories i want to keep. somehow, i was happy. i may not have enough people to support me but what's important is that i met people and those people i met while i was re-programming myself made me realize that it is better to let go of my sad past and stay in the present.

i lost people in my way of finding myself but at least, i didn't lose me.


TTFN.

-Andre Aciman

why does it feel like this isn't new to me anymore? being left behind has been the story of my life. it's like the plot of a book or a movie or even a TV Series. the people who caused me pain and left me behind? those were the villains.

i'm getting used to be "the second choice." it seems like it doesn't really matter to me anymore. i wouldn't be shocked if this will happen again. i'm starting to feel the numbness already. it's starting to sink in --- slowly.

look closely into my eyes. it shows sadness, despair, misery, suffering and whatnot. i'm not all smiles. issues defines my life.

suddenly i feel worthless. it's a horrible feeling to deal with. it makes me think that i'm not capable of being in this world and be with people. now i'm having a hard time trusting anyone. with these experiences, it's giving me a very difficult time to have emotional attachment to people that surrounds me.

how can i be able to give a part of me to someone without having to worry of being abandoned?

we all get tired. it's getting old, actually. i want new experiences. new emotions to deal with. new people to hurt me --- or make me happy.

abandonment. i'm used to it already.