"In another life, I would make you stay

so I don't have to say you were the one that got away."

-Katy Perry

x

When did it all stopped?

It all stopped when your life changed my mine didn't. 

It all stopped when you went to college and I was stuck in high school.

It all stopped when you made a lot of new friends and I made little.

It all stopped when you made promises and I was left waiting for you to make them happen.

It all stopped when feelings of love were questioned, when companionship were replaced by longing, when the thoughts of "us" no longer lingered, when you moved on and I still waited, when you came back and I turned you down because when you left, I was left with nothing.

Feelings did not change. I still feel the same way I felt eight years ago. I still want to hold your hand, bury my face at the curve of your neck, smell that sweet taste of yours; but all of those were a distant memory. Eight years have passed and all I was left with are letters and a photograph of you. I still read them, trying to bring back beautiful memories but all of it still hurts. Remembering hurts, forgetting hurts, forgetting you hurts and moving on hurts the most.

I have moved on. I took four steps forward but a single message, a flash of your smile, the sound of your voice made me took eight steps back. I'm farther now. Far from forgetting and far from ignoring these feelings of longing.

I'm still here hoping, waiting for you to come back because you once told me you would and I'm still clinging on to that single promise. I poured my heart out to you, took me all the courage to tell you all of my feelings and letting it all hang out there, very visible for you to see. You were my first love. Probably my true love. I'm still here waiting for you to give me another chance and show you a shot of what it feels like to be "us" again. In the mean time, I'll live my life as I watch you live yours. I'll slowly move on but that doesn't mean when you call me, I won't be there to answer it.

TTFN.

ever had the feeling of being caged up? of being suffocated? of being invisible, unappreciated and no matter how hard you try, they still perceive you the way you are? that's what i'm feeling now. that's how heavy everything else seems to be.

somehow, i feel like i'm a prisoner in my own home. i feel like i'm being watched and my actions, no matter how good they are, are still bad in the eyes of the observers. i'm tired of redeeming myself. i don't like pleasing people -- i never do. but no matter what i do, i'm still a criminal. the notion of my actions are good and i've been trying really hard to change but, unfortunately, even my own mother can't see that.

i have been a very difficult child. i've experienced rebellion, sneaking out and lying just to go drinking. i've come home drunk and woke up with a very bad hangover. i've been caught doing bad things that no parents want to see their child doing. i've skipped school and go drinking with my friends early in the morning -- 7.30 in the morning to be exact. but regardless of what i've done, i've managed to get my grades intact. sure, i've failed 2 subjects but i didn't fail because of drinking and ditching school. i just failed coz my performance wasn't really that satisfying to the teachers and it was that time i wasn't out and about with my friends drinking. i don't and can never make up an excuse about that.

after surviving third year college and while i was trying hard to survive that year, i have come to realize that i wasn't the lazy ass girl i used to know. i've worked hard to get good grades and when i do, i work even harder to get better grades. i discovered the hard working girl that was buried within me. regardless of how good my grades came to be last school year, sad to say, my mother couldn't see pass that. she still sees the same old daughter who comes home drunk. she still sees me as 'the last minute' student.

it feels bad not to be appreciated. i'm not looking for a big party celebration and whatnot. all i'm asking for is to see what i've accomplished and how hard i try to accomplish it. all i want is for her to realize that i don't take my education for granted. she makes me feel worthless and with that, i see no reason of working hard to get good grades at all --- passing grades are fine and i have no problem getting that.

for a mother, she kinda suck in encouraging her child to actually be successful. with her negativity suffocating me, i have this urge to break free and i've been urging to do so long time ago.

one day, someday, she'll see me for what i have become and not how bad she thinks of me as a person. one day, someday, i shall be a triumphant and she'll be able to see my worth.

i never really thought it would end up this way. we used to talk about everything. about love, school crushes, problems, happy memories and even sad ones. we used to lean on to each other when someone is in trouble... we used to be so perfect.

i guess things change and i can't force all of you to stay.

it is sad seeing 4 years of our friendship gone down the drain. it's sad how we used to tell each other that we'll stick together no matter where we go to, whom we hang out with and what will happen -- may it be good or bad.

we were in it for the long haul. i guess not.

how come i am here and you are there? i don't get it. whatever happened to "no one should be left behind?" it makes me feel sad that you didn't talk to me. that you didn't give me a chance to tell my side of the story. it is sad that you just listened to her because she's the one you're always hanging out with. unfair, isn't it?

it is painful on my part on seeing how strong your friendship grew. didn't you remember everything we have gone through? the laugh trips, the spontaneous adventures, the crazy ideas we came up with?

i guess for me, high school is over. i could never bring back what happened. everything changed when i decided to post what i felt in my multiply account. why can't you see that i'm hurting? i'm trying my best to be happy and to forget everything but i failed... so bad.

i miss you. all of you.

sometimes i just wish i haven't met you so that it won't hurt this bad.

TTFN.