-Anaïs Nin

the most beautiful words in life are not created because it has to be done. no, the most beautiful words in life exist for the reason that people say what they feel and not just because they want to. it's because they have to.

this is not going to be just like my previous entries. this is all me -- minus the creativity.

never did i imagine keeping a blog this long. as i read my old posts, i can see how much i have fully grown and how much wisdom i was able to attain. i was a girl whose emotions have been played with. love was not my friend and up until now, love and i are still trying to patch things up. i guess i have to thank love for the pain he gave me. if i didn't experience those things, i guess i would still be a sad little weakling crying in the corner of the room, grapsing my thorned heart and trying to breathe right.

as i look at my past, i can say i already gained enough knowledge in this game they called life. i was able to survive it's challenges and now i am halfway through my journey in completing the goal i have set for myself.

the words i wrote here in my blog are all real. they may sound vague sometimes but never did i lie to myself so that i can just post something. everything here is all me. i don't have to think on what to say. every posts here came from my mind the moment i am inspired or just want to share something i think no one could ever understand.

i am an odd person. i don't like sharing my inner most feelings to my friends but i rather want to put them here in writing and in public. i could never understand why, though but this is my comfort zone and my blog holds everything i feel inside.

TTFN.  

Valentine's Day --- a movie worth watching. no, i'm not going to blog about the movie. what i'm going to blog about is how i felt while and after watching the movie.

i was moved by the movie especially the story of Kate Hazeltine. i was forcing myself not to cry even though tears were about to fall down my cheeks. it was so inspiring that it made me realize how some people would go for miles just to see the one they love.

next was Sean Jackson's big revelation. i do wish i could be able to do what he did --- shout it to the entire world and not care about what people might think. it was a brave move and i know i won't be able to do what he did. confident as i am, i could never gather my guts to say what i REALLY want to say without the fear of being judged. i wish i could but i couldn't.

Dr. Harrison Copeland. the same doctor i knew in Grey's Anatomy. slick and sneaky. i could never understand on why some people could actually do what he did in the movie. it was pretty deceitful not to mention painful. I loathe people like him IRL.

i could never forget Kara Monahan. her idea of a party was pretty awesome. bitter, yes. but then again, it was inevitable for people like Kara to feel the way she did in the movie. childish, yes, but very therapeutic.

i had the biggest sympathy on Reed Bennett. i guess not all good things come to an end. his story was so tragic that i almost want to bitchslap Morely Clarkson for being so insensitive to Reed's feelings. it actually made me realize to think twice before doing anything coz some people might get hurt during the decision making process and as much as possible, i would never want people to get hurt due to my wrong decisions.

Julia Fitzpatrick showed why revenge is sweet. i don't have to watch this movie to be able to realize that fact. she's a strong, determined person and weird as it may seem but i see a part of myself in her. i don't allow people to push me around and she showed how 'self-defense' is important in her story.

like most teens out there, Alex and Grace just couldn't wait to experience that very magical moment in a relationship. i couldn't blame them, actually. having to deal with peer pressure and hormones is a very hard thing to do. i guess almost everybody wants to know how it feels but i still recommend to wait for the perfect moment. like destiny, it is not planned. it will happen when the moment is right.

i really, really wish i could meet someone like Holden. really. someone like him and Sean Jackson. oh wait. scratch that. i think i just did.

having the chance to walk around this planet for 19 years made me realize that you have to accept every person for what they are especially those people that is in your life. Jason had a hard time doing it with Liz and i kinda hated him for shutting her off just like that. just like Morely Clarkson, what he did was unbelievable.

with all the love showed in the movie, i couldn't help but feel lonely. it was depressing for me. i know i'm being bitter and all but what i went through over the past few years was hard and i kinda went through it alone. so, yeah. :)

TTFN.

what i learned so far:

being able to live in this world is already a miracle. i am grateful that i have a chance to experience life unlike the others. death is something i am prepared of but as i live my life, there are certain things i want to do and certain words i want to say to certain people. i am happy that i am here. ALIVE.

i am not the kind of person that always play safe. there is no SKIP button in life. it's either you do it or not. taking risks and be open to change is part of the life cycle. life would be pretty much boring if we do the same things everyday.

people always leave. in my life, friends come and go. mostly, the go but i am always willing to accept them back. i don't hold grudges to those people who have offended or hurt me. in fact, i am very thankful for them since they taught me how to be strong.

young as i am, i am very much happy to explore the world. i try new things because if i don't, i'm sure i'll regret it in the end.

in high school, i am the kind of student whom you see in the principal's office almost every month. i break rules. i found out that i have a very high aggressive drive. i always do things people don't want me to do. i had fun breaking the rules. every time i go out of the principal's office, you'll never see me sad. there is always a huge smile painted on my face. at that point, i have learned that we need to break the rules sometimes. step out of our comfort zone and just do crazy things. i never regretted doing those things. in fact, i am very proud of myself.

i do not live by the expectations of others. i make my own path. i never like to repeat a history. i want to make my own.

i cannot really please others. some people hate me but i let them be. i'm not scared if they talk behind my back. i'm scared if they stop talking about me. i'm just grateful that i have affected their pathetic little lives. may it be good or bad.

falling in love and being heart broken is part of everything. i can say that a person can never live life unless if they are able to do the two things mentioned above.

PAIN. you can't take away pain. you only have to cope with it. pain never goes away. it is only repressed. once a person experienced the same situation that caused him so much pain, it will eventually come back.

life is a story to tell. i never run out of stories to tell my friends.

and most of all, the best lesson i have learned about life so far is that, LIFE IS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE. i commit mistakes, i learn them and i try my very best not to do the same mistakes again. everyday i learn something new and i apply my learnings in my everyday life.