"hearing something that kills you from the inside

and having to act like you're fine

is one of the bravest things in the world."

x

why did you left me here so blue?

why did you make me feel like i need you?

you left me here, scarred and bleeding on the floor

as i saw you open the bedroom door.

you were supposed to be "the one," my other half

for you always managed to make me laugh.

oh, how i treasure those memories i have with you

since the day you started giving me clues.

my heart blossomed since the day you began to notice me

as i sleep each night full of glee.

but my world started falling apart 

when you finally admitted what's inside your yearning heart.

i could've been the one to help you pick up the pieces that she broke

for i don't want to see you hang yourself on a rope.

i am here, so give me a chance

for i never lost hope from the day you gave me that glance...

"dealing with backstabbers, one thing I learned,

-Eminem

people staring at me, whispering words i can't hear. then, someone i used to know approached me and hit me hard. it was painful, something i can't bear. the pain caused me to bend down my knees. i was bleeding -- not just from the outside but on the inside, too. i never thought it would hurt this way. one single knife turned out to be ten thousand knives pierced inside of me. there was heavy bleeding. i watched the blood flow out of my system and down on the floor. i wanted to touch it but it was too late.

badly bruised, i continue living my life. i build up walls and i shut down doors to keep people from my past away from me. i wanted a new beginning, a new slate and as much as i try to do this, the memories of my past haunts me. it was easy to imagine myself forgetting it but i was struggling halfway through it.

no one ever helped me or asked me if i was in need of assistance. i was unaccompanied throughout the journey and it was that moment i knew who and what to trust, to depend on and share my life with. it was that moment i realized that i was strong enough to walk away from something so dark and cruel.

i was alone, heck i was. and in those days where everybody left me in abandonment, i saw the world and found out different strategies on how to survive the trails i was about to face. nothing but hope, strength and dignity, i went out from my isolation cell and welcomed the world with a smile. i was afraid because nobody really likes to be betrayed especially from those people whom you spend most of your teenage life with. it was hard but i kept going on.

with nothing to lose and whole lot to fear, i came in strong and willful. people didn't know i was shattered. i never did have any reason on picking up the pieces of my broken self. i managed to make a new one, a re-invention. i locked away every bad memory that hurts me and open a new trove to place in memories i want to keep. somehow, i was happy. i may not have enough people to support me but what's important is that i met people and those people i met while i was re-programming myself made me realize that it is better to let go of my sad past and stay in the present.

i lost people in my way of finding myself but at least, i didn't lose me.


TTFN.

-Anaïs Nin

the most beautiful words in life are not created because it has to be done. no, the most beautiful words in life exist for the reason that people say what they feel and not just because they want to. it's because they have to.

this is not going to be just like my previous entries. this is all me -- minus the creativity.

never did i imagine keeping a blog this long. as i read my old posts, i can see how much i have fully grown and how much wisdom i was able to attain. i was a girl whose emotions have been played with. love was not my friend and up until now, love and i are still trying to patch things up. i guess i have to thank love for the pain he gave me. if i didn't experience those things, i guess i would still be a sad little weakling crying in the corner of the room, grapsing my thorned heart and trying to breathe right.

as i look at my past, i can say i already gained enough knowledge in this game they called life. i was able to survive it's challenges and now i am halfway through my journey in completing the goal i have set for myself.

the words i wrote here in my blog are all real. they may sound vague sometimes but never did i lie to myself so that i can just post something. everything here is all me. i don't have to think on what to say. every posts here came from my mind the moment i am inspired or just want to share something i think no one could ever understand.

i am an odd person. i don't like sharing my inner most feelings to my friends but i rather want to put them here in writing and in public. i could never understand why, though but this is my comfort zone and my blog holds everything i feel inside.

TTFN.  

i am on the verge of breaking down. funny thing is, no one really pushed me to take up Psychology and since i reached second year college, i wanted to change my course but my parents refused.

research papers, insight papers, journals, reaction papers. what mess did i get myself into? i mean, i am a lazy student and i don't enjoy doing paper works even though i was trained to do so back in HS. i find them very annoying and it sucks up my social life.

i never really thought Psych would be this hard. if i knew it before hand, i wouldn't have chosen this course and chose HRM instead. at this moment, i would be banging my head on the wall due to my decision.

don't get me wrong, i love my course so much. it is very entertaining and whatnot but what i hate about it is that IT TAKES A LOT OF PATIENCE, ENERGY AND TIME. it is... hard. i have 2 reports to do next week, a major test and i need to pass my theoretical background which is the hardest part of thesis making and at this point, i only found two theories and it is not enough to support my study. >_______________________>

shit is all i can say.

TTFN.

Beauty and the Beast, Aquamarine, Notting Hill, Memoirs of a Geisha, Pride and Prejudice, Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas are just examples of stories / movies that ended up happily.

almost all of the stories i've read and all of the movies i've seen always have happy endings. i believe they should not let people especially children think that the world is a happy place to live for it is not. we all stumble from time to time.

fairy tales may give us lessons after every story but it also let children think that happy endings do exist. but they don't. this is reality and i believe we should give them a piece of it. people are clouding up their mind with fantasies, magical creatures, magic and prince charming. almost every girl wants their own prince charming and almost every girls wants to end up being a princess or a queen of some land.

as for me, i don't believe on those stuffs. i don't believe a guy would save me from the fortress of the sky, breaking the evil witch's spell and bring me in his castle and making me his queen. i believe in suffering, pain, sacrifices and reality. it'll just end when i turn into dust. i will continue to live in this very cruel world until i die. 

delusions of grandeur is a huge no-no for me. 

TTFN. 

what i learned so far:

being able to live in this world is already a miracle. i am grateful that i have a chance to experience life unlike the others. death is something i am prepared of but as i live my life, there are certain things i want to do and certain words i want to say to certain people. i am happy that i am here. ALIVE.

i am not the kind of person that always play safe. there is no SKIP button in life. it's either you do it or not. taking risks and be open to change is part of the life cycle. life would be pretty much boring if we do the same things everyday.

people always leave. in my life, friends come and go. mostly, the go but i am always willing to accept them back. i don't hold grudges to those people who have offended or hurt me. in fact, i am very thankful for them since they taught me how to be strong.

young as i am, i am very much happy to explore the world. i try new things because if i don't, i'm sure i'll regret it in the end.

in high school, i am the kind of student whom you see in the principal's office almost every month. i break rules. i found out that i have a very high aggressive drive. i always do things people don't want me to do. i had fun breaking the rules. every time i go out of the principal's office, you'll never see me sad. there is always a huge smile painted on my face. at that point, i have learned that we need to break the rules sometimes. step out of our comfort zone and just do crazy things. i never regretted doing those things. in fact, i am very proud of myself.

i do not live by the expectations of others. i make my own path. i never like to repeat a history. i want to make my own.

i cannot really please others. some people hate me but i let them be. i'm not scared if they talk behind my back. i'm scared if they stop talking about me. i'm just grateful that i have affected their pathetic little lives. may it be good or bad.

falling in love and being heart broken is part of everything. i can say that a person can never live life unless if they are able to do the two things mentioned above.

PAIN. you can't take away pain. you only have to cope with it. pain never goes away. it is only repressed. once a person experienced the same situation that caused him so much pain, it will eventually come back.

life is a story to tell. i never run out of stories to tell my friends.

and most of all, the best lesson i have learned about life so far is that, LIFE IS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE. i commit mistakes, i learn them and i try my very best not to do the same mistakes again. everyday i learn something new and i apply my learnings in my everyday life.

yes. they truly are. -cham

anakin: I won't lose you the way I lost my mother. I am becoming more powerful than any Jedi has ever dreamed of, and I'm doing it for you: to protect you.

anakin: don't be afraid.
padmé: i'm not afraid to die. i've been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.
anakin: what are you talking about?
padmé: I LOVE YOU.
anakin: you love me? i thought we decided not to fall in love? that we'd be forced to live a lie and that it would destroy our lives?
padmé: i think our lives are about to destroyed anyway. i truly.. deeply.. love you and before we die, i want you to know.