"If you hold back your feelings because you're afraid of getting hurt,

you end up hurting anyway."

x

There are days that I just want to break free. Run. Get away from the stupidity, drama and insanity of it all. There are times where I just want to burst in flames, break glass or even scream. There are moments where I want to break someone's face, cause injury or even punch the wall. There are some instances where I just.. I want to.. I've got to but I can't and I couldn't.

I'm a volcano waiting to explode. I'm a ticking time bomb. Slowly and painfully I am loosing my patience. I'm so tired of accepting people's shit. So tired of saying "yes" all the time and most of all, I am so tired of getting kicked at, stepped on and being taken for granted of. 

All I want to do is cry and curl in my bed until I fall asleep but my eyes got tired of crying and my tears went dry from falling. I am a hollow shell. I feel empty and belittled. My heart aches from all the pain it witnessed and felt. My brain is tired from telling myself to be strong and to not break down but that's all I want to do but I can't because breaking down is useless. Crying is useless. Feeling sorry for myself is useless.

The only thing I could do now is take a deep breath, close my eyes and stand strong until I can't stand anymore.

TTFN.

i`m addicted to the wind. i live to feel it seeping to my skin. every blow feels like a free fall to something infinite. i can no longer feel the ground and then i realize... i`m flying. along with the birds in a clear blue sky, i can see everything around me. for the first time in a very long time, i am free.

trapped in a cage, i`m no longer the prisoner i was before. i see changes, i see hope. i see colors. i closed my eyes and feel the moment. i want to preserve this memory, to make it last a lifetime and to make me remember that life is indeed beautiful.

i admit, i was dying to break loose. i was suffocated and the cold wind that i am feeling right now erased all bad memories i once had. i am light and with the past behind me, i can soar to the skies.

everything i do feels like an act of rebellion. people are watching me do things i don`t normally do. i am defying their rules and not even gravity can pin me down the ground.

now, i`m spreading my wings and ready to take flight. grabbing onto nothing, i am taking the risk of jumping off a cliff and just let the wind carry me to the place i am needed.

TTFN.

Valentine's Day --- a movie worth watching. no, i'm not going to blog about the movie. what i'm going to blog about is how i felt while and after watching the movie.

i was moved by the movie especially the story of Kate Hazeltine. i was forcing myself not to cry even though tears were about to fall down my cheeks. it was so inspiring that it made me realize how some people would go for miles just to see the one they love.

next was Sean Jackson's big revelation. i do wish i could be able to do what he did --- shout it to the entire world and not care about what people might think. it was a brave move and i know i won't be able to do what he did. confident as i am, i could never gather my guts to say what i REALLY want to say without the fear of being judged. i wish i could but i couldn't.

Dr. Harrison Copeland. the same doctor i knew in Grey's Anatomy. slick and sneaky. i could never understand on why some people could actually do what he did in the movie. it was pretty deceitful not to mention painful. I loathe people like him IRL.

i could never forget Kara Monahan. her idea of a party was pretty awesome. bitter, yes. but then again, it was inevitable for people like Kara to feel the way she did in the movie. childish, yes, but very therapeutic.

i had the biggest sympathy on Reed Bennett. i guess not all good things come to an end. his story was so tragic that i almost want to bitchslap Morely Clarkson for being so insensitive to Reed's feelings. it actually made me realize to think twice before doing anything coz some people might get hurt during the decision making process and as much as possible, i would never want people to get hurt due to my wrong decisions.

Julia Fitzpatrick showed why revenge is sweet. i don't have to watch this movie to be able to realize that fact. she's a strong, determined person and weird as it may seem but i see a part of myself in her. i don't allow people to push me around and she showed how 'self-defense' is important in her story.

like most teens out there, Alex and Grace just couldn't wait to experience that very magical moment in a relationship. i couldn't blame them, actually. having to deal with peer pressure and hormones is a very hard thing to do. i guess almost everybody wants to know how it feels but i still recommend to wait for the perfect moment. like destiny, it is not planned. it will happen when the moment is right.

i really, really wish i could meet someone like Holden. really. someone like him and Sean Jackson. oh wait. scratch that. i think i just did.

having the chance to walk around this planet for 19 years made me realize that you have to accept every person for what they are especially those people that is in your life. Jason had a hard time doing it with Liz and i kinda hated him for shutting her off just like that. just like Morely Clarkson, what he did was unbelievable.

with all the love showed in the movie, i couldn't help but feel lonely. it was depressing for me. i know i'm being bitter and all but what i went through over the past few years was hard and i kinda went through it alone. so, yeah. :)

TTFN.