if only i could, i would've deleted you in my life. with no evidence of your existence, it would've been easy for me to move forward, to be happy, to find someone new.

it hurts me to see you happy. conceited as it may seem, but i want you all to myself. i've been trying to get a hold of you, trying to show you how beautiful life is if we're together. but then, you have given me no chance at all to prove that. you abandoned me. and now, a hole in the center of my heart was born the day you decided to neglect my presence.

for the nth time or maybe more, again, i was wrong. i could never fool myself; much more my heart. my mind may think otherwise but it's my heart that longs for your existence. i want to touch you, hold you and caress you gently to sleep. i want to tell you stories and at the same time gaze into your beautiful eyes. i want to see you for who you truly are and i want to see you happy of the things i have done.

i could never ask for another because it is you that the world has offered. forever will you be in me and forever i will long for you to come running back to my arms again. i was a dreamer to hope you would be mine and i was nothing more but a mere girl broken hearted because of love.

TTFN.

-Boyzone

-Eric Clapton

you were mine for quite sometime. 4 years had passed and we found closure. you said i left you. i didn't but i took the blame coz i don't see the point of disagreeing anyway. it was dawn and i was tired. you said you were lonely when i left. so did i. you said you wanted to fill the gap that you are feeling. so did i. at that moment, i felt a connection between us. again, we were talking the way we used to talk 4 years ago.

then i made an out-of-the-blue suggestion. you were astounded. so was i. never did i expect those words to come out of my mouth. i was confused of what was happing. it was so fast. four years of not talking and it only took you 4 hours to make my feelings towards you somewhat 'active' again.

that night was surreal. i thought it was just a dream but it wasn't since your messages are in my inbox. it was more of a bliss, actually.

i thought it was the best time to start where we left off. i thought it was serious -- i thought you were serious. again, i hoped but i should know not to.

you said you wanted to see me. i wanted to see you, too. to actually spend time with you before you go to another continent. but sad to say, when it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. i didn't bother asking you to come see me coz you always find ways to make excuses. if you want to see me, you would.

news really do fly fast. you wanted to get back with your ex. i am your ex but i wasn't the ex you wanted to get back with.

for 2 weeks, you managed to make me feel like i'm floating down to the making me feel like shit. it was painful but i can manage like i always do. i am strong and with what happened between us made me realize even more that i am too good for you. yes, i am because i don't and will never beat you up unlike the person you are with and chose to be with right now.

what's meant to be will always find its way. if we are meant for each other, time will come that we'll be together again. for the mean time, have fun and enjoy every moment you have.

i am disappointed of what you did. i don't like being in the dark and i have every right to know that you got back with your ex. it was rude, really but i can't do anything about that anymore. i now am having this feeling that you were having a revenge. serves me right for 'leaving you', yeah?

we all know that you left me and we all know that you are leaving me.

TTFN

life has indeed given me more than my fair share of pain and lies. no need to keep the truth away from me. i will know it eventually. it's good that i knew it beforehand. it's good that you don't have to lie to me anymore. just when i thought life has given us a second chance to test the emotions we are having for each other. again, i was the one to blame for suddenly disappearing just like that. it was all my fault. yes, i am taking the blame.

i'm not mad that you didn't tell me the big news. what i'm having issues about is how you managed to tell me that we could have something real this time. i was bothered for days coz i was unsure of what i have gotten myself into again this time.

but now, there's no need for me to think about our situation anymore. you yourself has given me enough answers i needed to know. i get it. you're getting back at me for what i did to you 4 years ago. my apology was really sincere. i never intended to hurt you and i never intended to leave you but i did and i am really sorry.

so, i guess this is finally it. our story ends here. no more fooling and lying around. i have my ways. i don't actually have to search for it to know. i don't chase the news. the news comes to me. goodbye... forever.

as much i i don't want it to end like this, i have to. i don't want to be the 'second choice' anymore. i'm through with all that BS. like i said, i want someone NEW to hurt me --- or make me happy. not someone from my past and if it was, i wasn't expecting it to be you. sorry, but that's the truth.

i was actually forcing myself to forget everything that happened between us. but i just can't. it sucks, really.

TTFN

Valentine's Day --- a movie worth watching. no, i'm not going to blog about the movie. what i'm going to blog about is how i felt while and after watching the movie.

i was moved by the movie especially the story of Kate Hazeltine. i was forcing myself not to cry even though tears were about to fall down my cheeks. it was so inspiring that it made me realize how some people would go for miles just to see the one they love.

next was Sean Jackson's big revelation. i do wish i could be able to do what he did --- shout it to the entire world and not care about what people might think. it was a brave move and i know i won't be able to do what he did. confident as i am, i could never gather my guts to say what i REALLY want to say without the fear of being judged. i wish i could but i couldn't.

Dr. Harrison Copeland. the same doctor i knew in Grey's Anatomy. slick and sneaky. i could never understand on why some people could actually do what he did in the movie. it was pretty deceitful not to mention painful. I loathe people like him IRL.

i could never forget Kara Monahan. her idea of a party was pretty awesome. bitter, yes. but then again, it was inevitable for people like Kara to feel the way she did in the movie. childish, yes, but very therapeutic.

i had the biggest sympathy on Reed Bennett. i guess not all good things come to an end. his story was so tragic that i almost want to bitchslap Morely Clarkson for being so insensitive to Reed's feelings. it actually made me realize to think twice before doing anything coz some people might get hurt during the decision making process and as much as possible, i would never want people to get hurt due to my wrong decisions.

Julia Fitzpatrick showed why revenge is sweet. i don't have to watch this movie to be able to realize that fact. she's a strong, determined person and weird as it may seem but i see a part of myself in her. i don't allow people to push me around and she showed how 'self-defense' is important in her story.

like most teens out there, Alex and Grace just couldn't wait to experience that very magical moment in a relationship. i couldn't blame them, actually. having to deal with peer pressure and hormones is a very hard thing to do. i guess almost everybody wants to know how it feels but i still recommend to wait for the perfect moment. like destiny, it is not planned. it will happen when the moment is right.

i really, really wish i could meet someone like Holden. really. someone like him and Sean Jackson. oh wait. scratch that. i think i just did.

having the chance to walk around this planet for 19 years made me realize that you have to accept every person for what they are especially those people that is in your life. Jason had a hard time doing it with Liz and i kinda hated him for shutting her off just like that. just like Morely Clarkson, what he did was unbelievable.

with all the love showed in the movie, i couldn't help but feel lonely. it was depressing for me. i know i'm being bitter and all but what i went through over the past few years was hard and i kinda went through it alone. so, yeah. :)

TTFN.

i don't think it's healthy for me to still love like him this way. it has been 5 years now and i'm still hurting. all those things that he said to me, all those beautiful memories we shared together and all those moments where everything seemed so perfect are now lost in a place where i can't even determine if it was real or not.

it's sad on how we allowed people and time to drift us apart from each other. every thing's a blur now. a vague reality, an unescapable past, a tormenting present and a surreal future.

i wish he could've just given me the heads up that he was leaving for good.

after all those years of my unsaid feelings for him, i finally decided to tell him i love like him. he didn't know it was me but it took me a lot of courage to finally blurt that out. it was hard yet it felt really good.

he was my friend, my shoulder to lean on, my strength. and now he is my pain, my suffering and my hurtful past that keeps on haunting my present.

TTFN.

i never really thought it would end up this way. we used to talk about everything. about love, school crushes, problems, happy memories and even sad ones. we used to lean on to each other when someone is in trouble... we used to be so perfect.

i guess things change and i can't force all of you to stay.

it is sad seeing 4 years of our friendship gone down the drain. it's sad how we used to tell each other that we'll stick together no matter where we go to, whom we hang out with and what will happen -- may it be good or bad.

we were in it for the long haul. i guess not.

how come i am here and you are there? i don't get it. whatever happened to "no one should be left behind?" it makes me feel sad that you didn't talk to me. that you didn't give me a chance to tell my side of the story. it is sad that you just listened to her because she's the one you're always hanging out with. unfair, isn't it?

it is painful on my part on seeing how strong your friendship grew. didn't you remember everything we have gone through? the laugh trips, the spontaneous adventures, the crazy ideas we came up with?

i guess for me, high school is over. i could never bring back what happened. everything changed when i decided to post what i felt in my multiply account. why can't you see that i'm hurting? i'm trying my best to be happy and to forget everything but i failed... so bad.

i miss you. all of you.

sometimes i just wish i haven't met you so that it won't hurt this bad.

TTFN.