-Andre Aciman

why does it feel like this isn't new to me anymore? being left behind has been the story of my life. it's like the plot of a book or a movie or even a TV Series. the people who caused me pain and left me behind? those were the villains.

i'm getting used to be "the second choice." it seems like it doesn't really matter to me anymore. i wouldn't be shocked if this will happen again. i'm starting to feel the numbness already. it's starting to sink in --- slowly.

look closely into my eyes. it shows sadness, despair, misery, suffering and whatnot. i'm not all smiles. issues defines my life.

suddenly i feel worthless. it's a horrible feeling to deal with. it makes me think that i'm not capable of being in this world and be with people. now i'm having a hard time trusting anyone. with these experiences, it's giving me a very difficult time to have emotional attachment to people that surrounds me.

how can i be able to give a part of me to someone without having to worry of being abandoned?

we all get tired. it's getting old, actually. i want new experiences. new emotions to deal with. new people to hurt me --- or make me happy.

abandonment. i'm used to it already.

i have reached to some points in my life where i have struggled but here i am, still standing up.

in those points, it made me realized that i can't easily be defeated. i don't easily wave my white flag up. it's hard for me to give up something i have worked so hard on.

people would always say that I AM HAPPY. well, quite true but i'm not. i'm pretty much shattered but i don't let them see it. 

look, something horrible happened to me years ago. i have loved and lost and my true friends left me. those experiences molded me to become a better person. i have learned not to fall down. no one helped me in those days that i was broken. i was facing it by myself. those instances made me strong and made me realized that i can't take anyone with me in this journey through life.

my friend used me as an inspiration. he's pretty much going through a rough path right now. and he told me, "you made in through. why can't i, right?" i haven't made it through yet. i'm still getting there. 

it's actually hard for me to basically move on coz i don't have anyone to turn to. i have friends, yes, but they are not there all the time. i guess it's a good idea for me to do this alone. it'll make me stronger than before.

i'm happy of the outcome of this. i am glad to be standing up after all the hardships i have encountered and i am satisfied with almost everything that is going through with my life right now. 

i guess people need to fall down sometimes but for me, it is not an option.