xiii: you said move on (where do i go)

title: Going Down Memory Lane
date: Saturday, October 31, 2009
time:2:05 PM

"it's not those who are there when you need them.

it's who has been there the entire time."

i never really thought it would end up this way. we used to talk about everything. about love, school crushes, problems, happy memories and even sad ones. we used to lean on to each other when someone is in trouble... we used to be so perfect.

i guess things change and i can't force all of you to stay.

it is sad seeing 4 years of our friendship gone down the drain. it's sad how we used to tell each other that we'll stick together no matter where we go to, whom we hang out with and what will happen -- may it be good or bad.

we were in it for the long haul. i guess not.

how come i am here and you are there? i don't get it. whatever happened to "no one should be left behind?" it makes me feel sad that you didn't talk to me. that you didn't give me a chance to tell my side of the story. it is sad that you just listened to her because she's the one you're always hanging out with. unfair, isn't it?

it is painful on my part on seeing how strong your friendship grew. didn't you remember everything we have gone through? the laugh trips, the spontaneous adventures, the crazy ideas we came up with?

i guess for me, high school is over. i could never bring back what happened. everything changed when i decided to post what i felt in my multiply account. why can't you see that i'm hurting? i'm trying my best to be happy and to forget everything but i failed... so bad.

i miss you. all of you.

sometimes i just wish i haven't met you so that it won't hurt this bad.

TTFN.

Labels: friends, friendship, high school, life, pain, past

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title: Am I Really Living ...or Dying?
date: Saturday, October 17, 2009
time:7:24 PM

"to me, the glass is half-empty somedays and half-full on others.

sometimes it's bone-dry . or overflowing."

-Mary Alice Monroe

what really is life? are you living it?

life isn't about finding someone, making that person love you and show them off to your friends. it isn't about being successful just to get revenge, to make people envy you of what you have and what they didn't.

life is not just another cliche.

life isn't glamorous. it's not like what those shallow-headed people in the industries think. it's not about getting what you want because you want it, when other people needs it the most. life is not about being pampered and being look up to people who obviously doesn't have a clue. it's not about manipulating people, devising an evil plan and ruling the world.

life is not about getting all the money, the girls, the boys, the properties, the pride and the dignity of the people. it is not about fooling them, luring them into a maze they obviously can't escape.

what is it exactly?

it's about being contented of what you have and be happy about it. it's about being proud of who you are by making people see that happiness isn't just about material things.

life is about helping people because you want to and not just because you have to. life is about love. love for your friends, your family, your country and yourself.

it is about needing something and working hard to get it.

we only have one shot to actually live our life.

TTFN.

Labels: choices, death, life

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title: Unrequited Love
date: Friday, September 11, 2009
time:7:39 PM

"forgive, sounds good. forget, i'm not sure i could.

they say time heals everything, but i'm still waiting."

here's to the girl who made him her first priority. the one who never failed to text him everyday only to check her phone every hour and receive nothing but disappointment.

the one who manages to fix her hair every morning hoping to get a glance from him. the one who provides nothing but comfort, love and affection. the one who gives a huge deal about him touching, staring or even talking to her because maybe she's thinking she'll never get him to do that to her once again. the one who tries her best to get him to notice her that she'll even try to laugh out loud when she passes by him.

this is for the girl who has been there the moment he asked her for help but receive no help from him when she needed him most. this is for the girl who listens to sad music every night, wishing that she can tell him what's really going on inside her heart and mind.

here's to the one who believed everything that he said. that he promised her he'll be waiting for her till the end only to find out that he already got himself a girlfriend after a month that he said that to her.

this one is for the girl who gave him a huge amount of clues only to see him chasing a girl who puts too much make-up on. here's to the girl who never left his side, who was led on the moment it started, who believed that everything he said and did to her was more than just a friendly kind of love but it was never true love to begin with.

this is for the girl who knew it was over before it began but she decided to continue it anyway because she's hoping he would eventually fall in love with her. here's to the girl who allowed the guy to fool her, to let her feel special only to hear him say, "it was a mistake."

the one who never believed what people said to her, that she deserve something better and that she should stop all her madness.

this is for the girl who love him more than anything else in the world. the one who who managed to held on to something that was never there to begin with.

this is for those confusing days, when he finally said to her that he loves her, that she's thinking that this is it and all her work has paid off but only to find out that he was drunk and he didn't mean it.

this is for the girl who struggle to feel fine, to make everything okay again.

this is for the girl who fell in love with the wrong guy but was brave enough to receive all the hardships.

TTFN.

Labels: boy, girl, life, love

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title: THEM HATERS.
date: Saturday, September 5, 2009
time:12:54 PM

"my name must taste good

coz it's always in somebody else's mouth."

you might think i'm a coward coz i don't speak up and hear you out. you might think you're winning coz i ignore the shit out of you. well, you are so wrong. i banned you for i don't want you whoring my chatbox with your nonsensical post. if i troll your account and post spam messages on your profile, i think you will do what i did to you. but alas, i don't know who you are and that's what makes you so strong that you can just bash me anytime you want. but this time, you have gone to far.

the way you bashed me in TGPHsucks and in my chatbox, i just let it slide for i know i will get nothing from you except those nasty words coming out from your mouth. yes, i cuss too but not in the same way that you do. i won't tell you to stop coz i know how a hater's brain works. and i won't come to a point where i have to beg you to stop what you're doing either. i am not that kind of a person.

you hate me because of what i do. a lot of people find TGPHsucks a nasty blog indeed but you can't stop me from contributing to that blog and i can't stop you from whoring my profile. so yeah, go whore it all you want. at least i get a lot of page views. ;]

i can't stop you from calling me names (IIRC, you called me a nigger) and saying that i'm a coward coz i don't face you. well then, this blog entry is for YOU. i'm hearing you out alright. you have the spotlight. now start whoring it as much as you want.

go bash me all you want coz i would love to have a battle of wits with you but you appear to be unarmed. now go and gather all the weapons you have. you need them.

i think you won't have all that courage build up inside you if you're not hiding from that fugly UN of yours. i know you won't reveal your identity coz you know i would bring you down if you will tell me who you are. make sure you won't get busted coz if you do, then oho for me and boo-hoo for you, my friend.

you know who you are. gotta love the spotlight, yeah?

TTFN.

Labels: haters, internet, life

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title: Thinking
date: Monday, August 24, 2009
time:7:41 PM

"she's been hurt many times before this. you'd think it would be a routine by now.

you'd think she wouldn't let it get to her. but the truth is,

she trusted you."

i have no idea if i still like him but i sometimes caught myself reading back all the messages he sent to me including all those comments he posted in my friendster account. i kinda felt sorry for myself only because i let him ruin me. come to think of it, he let me wait for him and then what? he got himself a girlfriend. awesome. just awesome.

so what's the point in waiting for him, right? i've given up months ago and why do i still have feelings for him regardless of the things he did to me? i'm just so confused. everything just changed. i'm not a big fan of change. well, bad change that is.

so here i am, thinking of what i really feel towards this guy. it must not be love, i can assure myself that. maybe its just a plain infatuation? i don't know. all i want to know is why i still have a thing towards this guy. i just want to not like him anymore and just move on with my life the same way he has moved on with his.

all i want is to be numb. to not feel anything and to live my life painlessly.

Labels: boy, changes, life, love, numb

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title: Regrets.
date: Sunday, August 16, 2009
time:8:29 PM

"strength does not come from winning. your struggles develop your strengths

when you go through hardships and decide not to surrender,

that is strength."

i am on the verge of breaking down. funny thing is, no one really pushed me to take up Psychology and since i reached second year college, i wanted to change my course but my parents refused.

research papers, insight papers, journals, reaction papers. what mess did i get myself into? i mean, i am a lazy student and i don't enjoy doing paper works even though i was trained to do so back in HS. i find them very annoying and it sucks up my social life.

i never really thought Psych would be this hard. if i knew it before hand, i wouldn't have chosen this course and chose HRM instead. at this moment, i would be banging my head on the wall due to my decision.

don't get me wrong, i love my course so much. it is very entertaining and whatnot but what i hate about it is that IT TAKES A LOT OF PATIENCE, ENERGY AND TIME. it is... hard. i have 2 reports to do next week, a major test and i need to pass my theoretical background which is the hardest part of thesis making and at this point, i only found two theories and it is not enough to support my study. >_______________________>

shit is all i can say.

TTFN.

Labels: hardships, life, life lessons, school, trials

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title: ME, MYSELF AND I
date: Sunday, July 26, 2009
time:7:23 PM

"it seems that different people have an idea of what am i

and what i should be. and then... there's me."

what am i but a mere mortal lurking in this planet. i'm not perfect nor close to perfection. i have never in my life got contented of what i have. more is what i always crave for. more money, more friends, more gadgets, more books and more awesome stuffs to splurge to.

i am nothing but a human being incapable of achieving great power. i am nothing more but a teenager hungry for fun, affection and love. i am nothing but a student struggling to pass college and most of all, i am nothing but a daughter who deceives my parents to get what i want because they restrain me from doing so.

beer, crack, smoke. stuffs that tempt me to become a lesser human being. whatever i do, it's always there. people drinking and smoking right in front of me, rubbing it in on my face, telling me to join them. human as i am, it has always been a struggle for me to flee away from these temptations. i give in and accepted the consequences life has given me.

i have no one to turn to. i face my problems alone. yes, i do have friends and yes, i tell them my problems but never did i ask for their help to solve it. lonesome? no. independent? yes. fucked up? probably. strong? i'm going there.

"PEOPLE ARE BRINGING YOU DOWN! STEP UP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" uhh. no. i am rubber, they are glue. whatever false, awful rumors they have said about me will just bounce back and it will stick to them. trust me, i am rubber and they are glue.

"life is short. sin a little." <--- enough said.

TTFN.

Labels: life, me, myself, reality, reflections, solutions

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