ever had the feeling of being caged up? of being suffocated? of being invisible, unappreciated and no matter how hard you try, they still perceive you the way you are? that's what i'm feeling now. that's how heavy everything else seems to be.

somehow, i feel like i'm a prisoner in my own home. i feel like i'm being watched and my actions, no matter how good they are, are still bad in the eyes of the observers. i'm tired of redeeming myself. i don't like pleasing people -- i never do. but no matter what i do, i'm still a criminal. the notion of my actions are good and i've been trying really hard to change but, unfortunately, even my own mother can't see that.

i have been a very difficult child. i've experienced rebellion, sneaking out and lying just to go drinking. i've come home drunk and woke up with a very bad hangover. i've been caught doing bad things that no parents want to see their child doing. i've skipped school and go drinking with my friends early in the morning -- 7.30 in the morning to be exact. but regardless of what i've done, i've managed to get my grades intact. sure, i've failed 2 subjects but i didn't fail because of drinking and ditching school. i just failed coz my performance wasn't really that satisfying to the teachers and it was that time i wasn't out and about with my friends drinking. i don't and can never make up an excuse about that.

after surviving third year college and while i was trying hard to survive that year, i have come to realize that i wasn't the lazy ass girl i used to know. i've worked hard to get good grades and when i do, i work even harder to get better grades. i discovered the hard working girl that was buried within me. regardless of how good my grades came to be last school year, sad to say, my mother couldn't see pass that. she still sees the same old daughter who comes home drunk. she still sees me as 'the last minute' student.

it feels bad not to be appreciated. i'm not looking for a big party celebration and whatnot. all i'm asking for is to see what i've accomplished and how hard i try to accomplish it. all i want is for her to realize that i don't take my education for granted. she makes me feel worthless and with that, i see no reason of working hard to get good grades at all --- passing grades are fine and i have no problem getting that.

for a mother, she kinda suck in encouraging her child to actually be successful. with her negativity suffocating me, i have this urge to break free and i've been urging to do so long time ago.

one day, someday, she'll see me for what i have become and not how bad she thinks of me as a person. one day, someday, i shall be a triumphant and she'll be able to see my worth.