-Breaking Benjamin

i sat down the floor, grabbing my knees. the room i'm in was starting to get smaller. the air was getting thiner by the second. i cannot breathe. my lungs were about to collapse, i was thirsty for air. "what is this?" i said to myself. i cannot fathom the situation that i got myself into. trapped with nowhere to go. "wake up, wake up, please wake up" i said to myself repeatedly but i didn't wake up. i cannot wake up.

the noise was getting louder and my mind kept telling me to bang every wall but my body didn't respond. i just sat there, with hands covering my ears to lessen the eerie sound the walls created as they were about to spat me. then silence came. i opened my eyes and i realized i wasn't in the room anymore. the walls no longer moved and i gave out a huge sigh of relief knowing i wasn't going to die soon.

i saw a light by the distance. as i started walking to follow the light, the light moved farther and farther. it was shining like a diamond and i can't take my eyes off of it. it was drawing me in; like an addiction. it was hard to deny that i was attracted to this beautiful shimmering light but sadness overflowed through me when i realized i could never reach it. tired of walking, i sat down, contemplated on my surroundings and came to notice that there's nothing around. i was in a place where everything is covered with white paint. no furniture, no trees, no sky. nothing. i looked at the light and saw that it was just standing there, glowing, waiting for me to chase it.

i kept walking and walking and finally i saw a door. i opened it and peeked inside. i saw someone looking out the window. not wanting to disturb the person, i decided to close the door. "wait" he said. i opened the door again, curious of what this person wants to tell me. "pursue it" he told me. confused, i asked in reply, "what exactly?" then he no longer said another word and then he closed the door.

the light never left. it was still there, shimmering like a gem. and i, still addicted to its glow, wants it so badly. i kept thinking of what the man has said to me. "pursue it" he said. but still clueless, i was having a hard time figuring out what he told me. its like a riddle only with lesser words.

i heard a singing voice. it was so beautiful that it was hard not to cry. it was the voice of a girl. and i can tell just by listening to it that she's in deep sorrow. wanting to know who she was, the light started to glow brighter and brighter. i was so smitten by the light that i forgot about the singing girl. i kept on walking until finally, the light stopped moving. i ran towards it, wanting to devour every piece of it. as i was coming close, i sense a lot of emptiness in my heart. it was so hollow i had to get a hold of it. i clutched my heart, as if i was in deep pain. i curled down, breathing hard and closing my eyes. the light was sucking every piece of me. breathing was hard again and i was gasping for air. i heard a faint sound. like a scream. "was it the singing girl screaming?" i thought to myself. i wanted to comfort her, tell her i'm here, regardless of the fact that we're both strangers to each other. but still,  it was selfish of me to disdain her. i could never forgive myself. "what could've happened to her? was she in the same state as i am?" that i will never know.

after a few hours or so, i saw no more light. i wasn't in the white place anymore. i looked up and saw a guy carrying me. we were walking. he saw me then he flashed me a smile. i can hear his heart beating. it sounded beautiful -- like a beating drum. his arms were hard like a rock and his body temperature was so warm that i can feel his heat on my face. on what it seems like a beautiful sight, it wasn't. storm came in and we hid on an abandoned warehouse. he tucked me in his arms. without even knowing the man, not even his name, i can sense his aura -- so beautiful and heartwarming. he was someone i could trust.

i woke up alone. i kept looking for the man but he was out of sight. saddened by his disappearance, i stayed there for a couple more days, thinking on what has happened. bizarre as the situations were, i could feel that there was a purpose of my journey. "pursue it" the man said to me. i kept saying it in my mind until i realized that in order for me to make it to the destination, i need to take risks, be brave and just pursue everything that feels right. i know that this is the answer to his riddle. i have yet to reach my destination and challenges are ahead of me, testing me, waiting for me to fail.

TTFN.

"sometimes you've got to run away to see who will run after you.

sometimes you've got to step up to fight only to see 
who's standing by your side.

sometimes you've got to make a wrong decision 
only to see who's there to help you fix it.

sometimes you've got to let go of the one you love just to see 
if they love you enough to come back."

not always the first but always the last. not always the lead but the understudy. always the spare, always the replacement, always the second choice. i could never get mad at him -- at least not that long. the way he flashes me his smile; it melts my heart. the way he holds me sends little electric shocks down my spine. his touch lingers on my skin. his scent, i could never erase. i could listen to his voice and not get tired of it. i long for his company. i long to listen to his soft laugh that i could never get enough.

with him, i'm nothing but a spare tire. i'm sitting at the back seat just waiting for him to notice me and this usually happens when he has no one to lean on to. i want to be part of his life, to be someone worthy enough for his precious time. i don't want the back seat. not anymore. somehow, i don't want to push myself just so i can be part of his life. i want him to let me be part of it and not cave my way in.

i'm standing here and he doesn't take notice. i see him but he doesn't see me. 

other than that, i want nothing more but his attention. this unrequited love i can handle but not me being small enough not to be seen by his naked eyes. a single hello, a simple text reply or even a small touch and everything will be fine.

TTFN.

there once was a girl who was so certain of herself. she packed her things and left everyone behind in pursuit of her dreams. she walked a long narrow road with nothing but hope to bring. there she stood on a crossroad who she thought she was familiar of. but as darkness fell and with no light to spare, she was clueless yet again. she head on west hoping she took the right road to travel. still clueless of what's beyond, she clutched her heart and continued to walk on.

then she reached a tree who bore golden apples. thinking that this was her easy way out, she climbed the tree and took many apples she could carry. when rain fell hard and the clear blue sky turned dark and unholy, she ran for her life with nothing but apples to carry. she hid on a cave and decided to pass the time until nature is on her side and bring out the brightest sun. 

as she woke up the next morning, she saw her apples melting. without it attached to its branches, it is as useless as a person with no dreams. she stood up and came out of the cave only to find out she's on a meadow as beautiful as the sunlight hits her face. 

she continued her journey with desire and passion burning in her chest. as she passed by towns and met people from different places, she realized the world is full of treasures waiting to be discovered. she ran, feeling the gush of the wind on her face, wanting to be as free as a bird flying in the clear blue cloudless sky. she screamed so hard, releasing her inhibitions -- she couldn't be more happy.

months went by and still clinging on her dreams, she reached a cliff. looking down, she swear she could see hell and can hear demons chanting her name. she left everyone behind without even considering their emotions, she realized she was being self-centered. rain falling hard from the sky, she turned her back and decided to walk home thinking of pursuing her dream from another time without having to hurt anyone in her journey.

TTFN.